I was hoping your prolonged absence from on-line publishing meant you were dead.

I see this is not the case.

Oh joy.  More comics about killing children, sex with animals, and Jesus being gay.

Sincerely Disanointed You're Still Alive ,

J. Glorioso
Danvers, MA
 

I was a scout and Troop Leader for twenty years, I totally understand why you hate scouts so much.

Keep up the good work!

Yours Truly,

P. Terrs
Vermont
 

I am a a raccoon cap enthusiast.

Currently, I have more than 200 raccoon caps in my collection.

Thank you for your tribute to these most-American hats. In so many ways, the persistence of these quintessentially American hats has "protected" the spirit of America, hasn't it?

Yours Truly,

G. Adams
Montana
 

I am a fan of Smayd's This Comic (www.thiscomic.com).

Who the f*uck do you think you are making fun of This Comic? What, are you jealous that Smayd's is better than your stupid worms, which you can only publish once a week, compared to everyday?

Oh, and if your attack on This Comic is just an attention-getting ploy, it failed; anyone can see that you are trying to be the 50-Cent of comic strips (i.e., your "How to Rob").

You suck, and you better not make fun of This Comic again.

J. T. Metzger III
U.K.
 

I am a pig-f@#cker.

I have been f@#cked by pigs.

I love your comic strip. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Oh, and did I say thank you?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go out to the barn to take care of something, if you know what I mean.

M. Ramsey

Little Rock
 

I am (was) your biggest fan.

The Fantastic Four is the BEST COMIC BOOK SERIES EVER.

The Silver Surfer is the BEST COMIC BOOK CHARACTER EVER. 

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer is the BEST COMIC BOOK MOVIE EVER. What the f*#k do you think you're doing making fun of it?

If I was Johnny Torch, I burn your face off and fly your faceless body into the Sun. How would you like that?

I am through with Absolute Zero-- the SH#*TIEST COMIC STRIP EVER.

S. Toll

Natchez
 

I can barely see your comic strip through the flies hovering around the dead horse that is Absolute Zero.

We get it; you hate Dick Cheney. He's a demon. Blah, blah, blah.

How about a NEW idea, jerk?

M Patterson
Florida
 

I love your depiction of the Demon Cheney greeting new souls in Hell.

Absolute Zero is fast becoming the smartest, most-relevant political comic strip on the internet.

Don't worry. I don't mind your comic strips that make fun of hippies. I know you are a brother-liberal deep inside.

Peace.

Jasper W.
 

Yes, Jesus loves me.

Yes, Jesus loves me.

BECAUSE THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.

You have danced with The Devil for too long.

Smite him...smite him...smite him.....GOD said to smite him.

Prepare your soul.

Mister C.
 

It's Memorial Day, I do not appreciate your comparing our troops in Iraq to apes.

Those poor soldiers in the desert have nothing to do with your perceived failure of the President's war in Iraq, which he is, in fact, winning. Why show them as chimpanzees and a gorilla?

I find it ironic how it's always the cowards who have never put on a military uniform who feel the need to criticize the loudest.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Paul F. Rank
Iowa
 

How dare you dance your blasphemous death jig on the grave a Doctor Jerry Falwell?

Even though you say you hate hippies in your comic strip, I can tell you are a liberal.  Doctor Falwell was telling the truth when he said that liberals like yourself are partially responsible for God allowing 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina to happen.  You flaunt your sinful ways in God's face. What do you expect him to do?

I, for one, will be contacting the administrative staff of your web hosting company to encourage them to shut you down for good.

God bless you.

Debbie Saul
West Haven, CT
 

I don't think you've ever tuned-in, turned-on, and dropped-out, man.  If you ever experienced LSD, I don't think you would be propagating the myth of the "bad trip", man.

An LSD trip is a beautiful thing, man-- not the horrible nightmare that you depict in your comic strip.  Trees breathe, grass speaks, and birds trace rainbow arcs across a tangerine sky, man.  I suspect you've been talking to some people who got a bad batch of acid, man.

If you ever want to explore the inner spaces of your mind, man, just give me a call: [phone number omitted].  I have the best acid on the East Coast, and would gladly be your guide on your first trip as a  psychedelic astronaut, man. Believe me, there will be no screaming chimps, hobos, or anything else to scare you, man. Just gentle, reassuring brotherly love, man.

Peace, man.

Ronald P.
Amherst, MA
 

You have ruined oatmeal for me forever.

Bradley Brougham
Maine
 

As a young boy, I used to catch fireflies in the field behind my Grandmother's house--lightning bugs, she called them.

I remember the feel of the cool, evening dew on my shins and the sound of my sister laughing as she snapped the lid of her jar shut.

I do not understand your latest comic strip. Why would Dick Cheney be a firefly? It's not funny. In any way. How is this humor, political or otherwise?

Anyway, just wondering.

Mike Simmons
South Carolina
 

Have you ever felt human blood coat your teeth, slide down the back of your throat in a warm, salty stream?

Do you know how it feels to chew on a human bone and try to tear that last piece of meat from the shaft of a femur?

If you did, you would not joke about it.

The world is full of real monsters-- monsters that don't like jokes about what they are forced to do by God.

You, Creator, are going to find out exactly what kind of monster would drink the blood and eat the flesh of a child. Some night soon, you will know.

"T. E. Ribble"
[No State of Residence]
 

I am a zoophile. That is, I am one of thousands of Americans who enjoy an intimate relationship with a animal.

In my case, I have been living with and loving an Oberhasli (also called a "Swiss Alpine") goat, named Fred, for 10 years.  When I first saw Fred at the Topsfield agricultural fair, it was love at first sight.  I paid $300 dollars for him, on the spot.  Ever since, Fred's strength, confidence, and affection have sustained me through some of the worst times in my life. 

There is nothing like making love to your goat, holding him, and listening to rain fall on the roof of the barn. It is in these moments that I am the happiest.  If Fred and our love were ever taken away from me, I fear that I would have no alternative but to end my life,  just like the character in your latest comic strip. My goat is my life, my love, my very reason for being. The feel of Fred's hoofs on my shoulders as his horns press into the nape of my neck...that is home for me. Take it away, I would have nothing, no place for my heart to beat.

Anyway, I wanted to thank you for writing a comic strip about the strength of the love between a man and an animal.

J. Morgan
Wenham, MA
 

Ever watch South Park?

Something tells me that you have, especially their episode about Easter, Easter eggs, and the Pope.

Come up with an original idea for once in your life!

T. Stanley
Salem, NC
 

Up to your old "shocking-just-to-be-shocking" tricks again, eh?

Your comic strip depicting a fetus drinking alcohol from liquor bottle, in the uterus, is a horrendous insult to all of the babies who have actually been harmed by fetal alcohol syndrome, or FAS.

You are a monster.

And to think, I was beginning to actually like your comic strip--especially the ones with the Question Mark Men.

I hope you die and are reborn as a FAS baby.

Mark T. Hopper
Chapter Vice President
FAS Survivors of New England (Region II)
 

I know you.

I will expose you for the lying hypocrite that you are.

Think I'm kidding? I sent a rather "candid" photograph of you to your P.O. Box. It is a copy.

I wonder, does your wife know what you're up to? She will soon.

Anonymous
 

I love you and your comics, I'm your biggest fan.

I want to get lost in the beautiful, twisting labyrinth of your mind.  There, I will help you find more than rocks and grass.  I will help you see the magic that you are looking for, help you see things you have never experienced before.

Do you trust me? Take my hand, don't be afraid, I'll lead you to a fantasy land.

Mark Simons
Geary, IN
 

The afterlife and the spirits that inhabit it are like all of the radio stations in the world, broadcasting all at once. Millions of voices streaming through space, all sharing the same channels.

Assuming the psychic experience in your latest cartoon is founded in some real-life event, I want to tell you not to "shoot the messenger".  Psychics and mediums do their best to tune in all of the information-- or "radio signals"-- coming over from the other side.  It is inevitable that we sometimes tune into the wrong signal at first. You, the loved one, have an important role in helping us tune into the right channel.

So please, do not be angry with all psychics and mediums just because one individual initially got it wrong.

If you want, I can help you contact your deceased mother. As a fan of your comics, I feel I know you, and I have actually "heard" your mother's voice from the other side.  Her name was, "Anne--or something close to that", wasn't it?  She wants you to know that she is happy and wishes she could be there, in body,  to watch you run the Boston Marathon this Spring.  I'm also hearing her tell me that her spirit will be at the Mile 19 Water Station, so open up your heart and feel for her presence. She will be there, watching you gulp down that water on your way to the finish line.

If you want to hear more from her, please come by my office in Salem, MA sometime. I would love to do a reading for you. My fee is fair, only $500 for a 1-hour reading that can help you speak to your mother again (also includes a hot beverage, snack, and audio CD recording of the session!).

Give me a call: [phone number omitted].

Madame Liza Nelson
Salem, MA
 

I cannot advocate suicide for anyone else, but I certainly know how it feels to want to end your life an be unable to do it.

Fifteen times, I have been prevented by forces of nature or human intervention from committing suicide.

There was the time I tried to drown myself in Tampa Bay and was rescued by wild dolphins. They tore the living sh*t out of the flesh on my arms and legs with their teeth as they dragged me to shore, but I survived.

On another occasion,  I drank 5 bottles of Kentucky Bourbon in a Manhattan train tunnel and was saved by a commune of subterranean city-hippies; they transported me to the nearest hospital via a vast network of underground passages. Thanks to their quick thinking and rapid intravenous administration of wheat grass extract and Sonoma County hash oil, my liver was saved.

Another time, I tried to hang myself with a towel in a Russian bathhouse in Norwood, Massachusetts.  Instead of dying, I woke up naked and alone in a motel on Route 1 with an empty bottle of vodka and a massive hangover.  I had a near-fatal case of Moscow Beard Rash on the insides of my thighs and buttocks, but I am here to tell you this tale of survival.

I could go on and on with my accounts of thwarted suicide attempts. The point is, while you may want to die, if it isn't your time, then it isn't your time.

Live, damn it! LIVE!

We need your comics.

Ralph Goldberg
Newton, NH
 

I wanted to write you and say I know how you feel, I wish I could give you a hug, man-to-man.

When I was 11, I asked my father if he could help me with a school report about East Germany.  He looked at me, picked up a jug of wine from the kitchen counter, and smashed it over my head.  I sustained multiple skull fractures and needed 48 stitches.  I permanently lost the vision in my right eye and I almost died.

My Mom told the police that I jumped off of the garage roof into a garbage can full of beer bottles, my father was never arrested.

To this day, I cannot look at a jug of wine or think about Germany without throwing up.

Craig Ross
Danvers, MA
 

You are a genius, a truly brilliant man.

It is obvious that the "monolith" in you latest comic strip represents the American public's obsession with material things and celebrity worship.

Indeed, our Country is a landscape littered with forgotten, irrelevant monoliths.

I have a theory as to your true identity.  You are a professor at Harvard or some other esteemed institution of higher learning, aren't you?

Al T. Hera
Portsmouth, NH
 

I have looked through your Archives.

You are part of the online depravity you pretend to condemn.

I am not fooled by your latest attempt at a socially-conscious comic strip.

Waiting To See What Kind of Rubbish You'll produce Next,

Mark D.
Peabody, MA
 

We're in a war.

Don't you know that making fun of the PRESIDENT during wartime hurts the troops and gives AID AND COMFORT to the ENEMY?

The PRESIDENT who you mock is doing the BEST JOB he can, smart*ss.  If I ever meet you, I am going to cut off your ears and wear them around my neck on a piece of string made from your intestines, just like we did to the G**ks in Vietnam.

Because I don't know your real name, from now on I will just call you "Hanoi Creator" or "Baghdad Creator".

Supporting Our Troops,

Tom S.
Veteran, U.S.M.C.
Fort Bragg, SC
 

I cannot figure you out.

One week you offend me and I hate your comic strip, the next week you publish something insightful and I love it.

What's with you and your Bipolar content? How in the world is anyone supposed to become a regular fan of your work if they never know what to expect from you?

Well, I must admit that you really surprised me this week (in a good way).

Hesitantly Yours,

Joan C.
Pelham, Massachusetts
 

Up to your old Jesus-bashing tricks again, eh?

For a minute there, I really thought you had turned an intellectual corner of sorts, taken a right hand turn off of Stupid Street onto Straight and Narrow Road.

I guess I was naive to think that you had given up your anti-religious, blasphemous ways.

I must say that I am not at all surprised to be let down by you.

Respectfully Yours,

Marcia A. Willow
Salem, Florida
 

You are one strange motherf*cker, but your comics are cool as sh*t.

Keep drawing your monsters and all of that weird stuff, man.

Ned
Geary, Indiana
 

Bravo!

I applaud your efforts to expose television evangelists such as "Mr. Robbersin" for the no good, lying, stealing pieces of sh*t that they are.

My 87 year-old mother, God rest her soul, gave her entire life savings-- almost $50,000-- to one of those television ministries.

God bless you.

Mike Waters
Tampa, Florida
 

What's with these new question mark and exclamation point people in your January 1, 2007 comic strip?

Have you grown tired of your childish, candy-colored worms?

Whatever you put up on this site-- worms or otherwise-- will always be garbage. I hate you and your violent, destructive energy.  You are doing more to ruin the world than global warming, Republicans, and George Bush.

Peace and love are the only answer.

J. Sandwheather
Burlington, VT