After reading your December 18 comic strip, I can only hope that Santa Claus is real and he shoves a lump of coal down your blasphemous throat.

Merry f*cking Christmas, a**hole.

J. Freeman
Green Bay, Wisconsin
 

I am writing to thank you for your December 11, 2006 comic strip.  Your depiction of Santa Claus exploding with anger at the sight of chocolate chip cookies that he does not like captures the true, despicable nature of what the holiday season has become.  That is, gifts and presents are no longer something to be received with kind thanks and humility, but instead are a flashpoint for greed, hatred, and murderous rage.

Two years ago, on Christmas Eve, I gave my brother-in-law a Far Side calendar.  He didn't like the gift, so he stabbed me in the heart with a meat thermometer.  I almost died from trauma and infection, my brother-in-law was sentenced to 30 years in prison, and my sister won't talk to me because, according to her, I "should have known that Mike thinks the Far side is stupid."  I guess the fact that I was trying to do something nice didn't matter.

Why is that we now live in a society where any perceived slight-- whether real or imagined-- is a cause for violence?

Thank you, Creator, for drawing attention to the moral cancer that is killing us from the inside out.

Happy Holidays,

Sam Lovett
Derry, New Hampshire
 

What, exactly, are you trying to show in your December 4, 2006 comic strip, and what kind of example are you setting for children?!?

My 7 year-old daughter somehow found her way to your tasteless "comic strip".  Until she saw your website, her favorite story was Charlotte's Web, and she was very excited to see the live-action film that will soon be released.  Imagine my horror when she asked me, "Why is Wilbur in a man's pants?".  I asked her what she was talking about and where she saw such a thing.  You know what she told me?  She said, "Zuckerman stuffed Wilbur down the front of his jeans.  It was on a cartoon website for kids.  I don't like Charlotte's Web any more."

So, thanks for ruining my daughter's favorite book and forcing me to explain what bestiality is to a 7 year-old (something I wasn't quite ready for as a mother).

Sincerely,

Janice Blau
Rockport, MA
 

As a first-time reader of Absolute Zero, I am writing to commend you for your November 27, 2006 comic strip The Joys of Scouting.

Your depiction of the little scout leaders standing guard over their young camper while he changes his pants (no doubt from some muddy excursion) is what scouting is all about:  protecting boys and building men.  I can't count the number of times I've stood watch over a tent full of young, naked scouts, protecting  them from intruding eyes.  Yes, occasionally I have had to step into the line of fire to break up a towel-snapping fight or two, but every job has its risks.

In a day and age where scout leaders are all-too-often depicted as predators, I find your wholesome, Rooseveltian-tinged take on scouting to be refreshing.

I look forward to reading the rest of your comics!

In Service to Our Boys,

Mark Gagnon
Newbury, Connecticut
 

Why don't you join a Unitarian church or a Reconstructionist synagogue?

This way,  you don't have to inconvenience yourself by following millennia-old traditions; you can believe whatever you want; and you can sleep at night telling yourself that G*d will accept you.

The sooner you learn that religion and spirituality are not about what you want, the better off you will be.

Sincerely

Jonathan Detsis
North Attleboro, Massachusetts
 

Dude, what the f*ck?  I am trying hard to like your comic strip this week, but give me a break.  Usually you're pretty funny, although I admit I don't always understand your sense of humor.  This week is a good example.  I just don't get this whole Bacon-Double-Jesus-Burger thing.

While I was raised a Catholic, I'm not exactly ultra-religious or anything, and I can take a child-raping priest joke as well as the next guy.  But come on, what is so funny about putting the head of Jesus as a hamburger? It's not witty, sarcastic, or ironic in any way-- it's just lame, dude.  What's next? French fries shaped like the spikes used to crucify Jesus?  I know: The Judas Happy Time Meal-- surprise, kids, you've been betrayed, no toy for you!  Or what about a stigmata condiment dispenser that oozes ketchup through a hand-shaped pump?  Or a Holy Ghost vanilla shake?  I could go on and on with similar, stupid ideas.

My point here is that Bacon-Double-Jesus-Burger is just not funny.  Is it offensive and shocking to look at?  Yes, but so is Oprah naked, and we've never seen that, now have we?  There is a reason.  Some things are just too gross and not suitable for the human eye.  So please, spare us the shocking-just-to-be-shocking comics and get back to doing what you do best: writing and drawing funny cartoons.

Remember, I am a big fan and just want to help you before you lose me.

Sincerely

Kristen Frost
Fort Wayne, Indiana
 

As a fan of your work and a recovering alcoholic (10 years sober), I am writing to tell you that I understand your pain.  After reading your November 6 comic strip, I wanted to share my story with you.

I, too, had a troubled relationship and sought solace in alcohol.  The night I "hit bottom", as they say, I ran out of the house after a fight with my spouse (now my ex-wife).  Teary-eyed, I found my way to the nearest liquor store and bought a case of beer and a bottle of whiskey.  I drank all 24 beers and half the bottle of whiskey before blacking out.  The next morning, I woke up behind a grocery store, naked, inside of a cardboard refrigerator box.  I was in the arms of a homeless man.  As I got dressed, he told me that we made love in the refrigerator box the night before-- three times-- and it was the most passionate love he had ever known.  He asked me to stay there with him, behind the grocery store, that we could be together for the rest of our lives.

I turned and ran, taking my first steps toward sobriety.

My friend, I do not want you to have to live through an experience like mine.  Yes, alcohol numbs the pain.  But what happens when alcohol leads you to have sex inside of a refrigerator box with a homeless man, and three months later you discover that you have contracted herpes, genital warts, and Lyme disease?  I'll tell you what happens:  you realize that alcohol is a poison.

Please, before it is too late, Creator, get the help you need.  As my brother in this world (we are all brothers and sisters), I would hate to see anything bad happen to you.  Also, I am a big fan of your work and would miss Absolute Zero if anything were to prevent you from publishing it.

Take Care, Brother.

Jon Dennis
Boston, MA
 

I am writing to invite you to join the global Jihad.

When I saw your October 30 comic strip, Bobbing for Fundamentalist Islamic Apples, I instantly knew in my heart that you understand the plight of fundamentalist-Islamic jihadists across the globe.

Like the Jew-Devils in World War II Europe, we fundamentalist Islamics in Afghanistan and Iraq have been forced to conduct many of our religious practices in secret.  For example, as you show in your comic strip, playing Halloween games with the heads of our infidel prisoners-- we used to do this right down-town in Kandahar.  Now, we have been forced into the back alleys and warehouses.  Oh, how I miss the good times! 

I ask you, brother Creator, is it even worth living if you can't burn priceless paintings, blow-up antiquities, and cut off a thief's hands?  Do we really want to live in a society where men have the right to shave?!?!  Think of all of the mountain-ticks, fleas, and chin-mites that have no place to live on a clean-shaven face!  What has Afghanistan become? Someday soon, god willing, we will get rid of all of the clean water, electricity, and civil rights for women.  I miss the days when women had to wear burqas everywhere.  I tell you, the women looked like ghosts floating across the streets of Kandahar.  It was like Halloween here everyday in Afghanistan, and how I do love Halloween! 

Well, just wanted to let you know that we support your comic strip, and to thank you for bringing attention to the plight of fundamentalist Islamics all over the world.  Hopefully one of our brothers in a secret terrorist cell in America will see your cartoon and be reminded of the good times at home.  Happy Halloween, Mr. Creator! Allahu Akbar!

Asif "Bob" Babrak
Kandahar, Afghanistan
 

As a gay man, I have often wondered , "What would Jesus be like if he were gay?"

Your October 23 comic strip, If Jesus were Gay, partially answers this question.  Yes, of course, a gay Jesus would insist on a matching bracelet for his crown of thorns!  What Demigod wouldn't want a coordinated bracelet for his crown (of thorns)?  It just goes to show that you should always look fabulous, even if you are about to be hung up on a cross like a piece of divine beef jerky.

What else would have happened if Jesus were gay?

For starters, there would have been more than a kiss between Jesus and Judas.  Two men dressed in robes don't meet in an olive grove in the middle of the night without something hot-and-heavy happening.  Jesus, our Lord and Savior, betrayed with a kiss and a reach-around.  That's hot, especially if Judas really did look like Harvey Keitel played him in that Mel Gibson movie.

When you think about it, Jesus being gay makes sense.  Take this bread and pretend you are eating my body.  Drink this wine and pretend it is my blood.   Too bad Jesus didn't have any sausages or mayonnaise at the last supper-- I would love to receive that holy communion.

Well, time to go.  Thanks for another great comic strip and not being afraid to show Jesus as he truly was.

Jon Patrick Palmer
Worcester, Massachusetts
 

Great works of fiction?!?! Stephen King?!?!? 

Where did you go to college? Oh, yeah, that's right--The University of Massachusetts.

Let's see, what "great works of fiction" did Mr. King write?  There's Cujo, the killer dog with rabies; space aliens with tentacle-like pubic hairs in The Tommyknockers; a hotel that eats people from The Shining; and IT, the great American novel about a killer clown who lives in peoples' sinks and eats their children.  Great works of fiction, indeed!

What about the real classics, Mr. Creator? For example, Catcher in the Rye, Crime and Punishment, Beowulf, A Tale of Two Cities, and on and on.  These are great works of fiction, unlike that bubble-gum, production-line, mass-produced drivel churned out by Mr. King every year.  I am only surprised that the bookshelf in your comic strip does not include the works of J.K. Rowling, Tom Clancy, Daniel Steele, John Grisham, and Anne Rice (with her menstrual-blood-drinking vampires).

By gracing the pages of Absolute Zero as an author of "great works of fiction", I am sure that Mr. King would proudly agree that he has finally earned some real respect now.  And in case your write back about Mr. King's 2003 receipt of The National Book Foundation's Distinguished Contribution to American Letters Award, I have this to say: it was a conspiracy.

Well, that's all I want to say about your October 16 comic strip.

Bye for now.

Ichabod V.  Bittner
Professor of English Studies
Peabody Community College
Illinois
 

This cartoon, "Halloween for Fundamentalist Islamics", is not realistic.

Everyone knows that in a fundamentalist Islamic country, a woman would never open the door to her home without wearing a burqua.  For a woman to expose her lady-parts (e.g., the neck) for children to see is an insult before all mighty God.  Such a woman, according to the strictest interpretations of Islamic law, would need to have her throat cut, head chopped off, and corpse fed to pigs.

That being said, I enjoyed your depiction of the little martyrs on a joyous holiday such as Halloween.  Any fundamentalist Imam would be proud to see his children pretending to blow up themselves up for some sweet, delicious treats.  If those children came to my door on Halloween, I can tell you that I would give them the finest honey-dipped goat testicles that money can buy!

Enjoy your Halloween, friend.  I wish you and your wives a wonderful and happy fall season.

Please post more cartoons about radical Islam.

Allahu Akbar!

Khalid Hussein
Basra, Iraq
 

You are too funny!!!

When I read your October 2 comic strip, I just about bust my stomach wide open and spilled my guts all over the floor of my double-wide (we just up-graded from the single, you will be glad to hear).

Those birds--big old turkey vultures, I think-- are plain crazy, man!  Sitting on them signs and talking about will they "be serving white meat for dinner?".   Man, that's too funny!  Every knows birds can't talk.  I thought I'd seen everything until now!

After seeing this week's comic, I wanted to ask if you take requests.  Maybe next week you could do a comic strip with a couple of turtles talking to each other, something like, "Hey, what do you think will be for breakfast tomorrow?" . Now that would be funny.  I'd love to see that.

Well, everything is good here in Arkansas.  Hope all is well where you are.

Take care and keep writing your funny pictures.

Your Biggest Fan,

Bobby J. Christy
Green Water, Arkansas
 

I am an aspiring comic strip writer, I writing to tell you how much I love your comic strip.

Your September 24 comic strip showing Jesus having sex with a passion fruit is hilarious. 

Where do you get your ideas?!?! Gosh, they're wacky.

Thanks for the laughs.

M .Simon, Florida
 

I have just read your September 18 Comic strip, I am writing to express my outrage.

Your depiction of a holy crusader being devoured by a whale is offensive.  Have you not read your Bible? God gave man dominion over the beasts, including those that live in the sea.  In real life, this would never happen.

In looking at your archive and some of your reader emails, it seems to me that your soul is in trouble.  I tell you this out of love: Do Not Poke Fun at God, Do Not Provoke His Wrath.   Is he a king God? Yes--but he is also vengeful.  Some day, "Creator", you may find yourself in the jaws of a salty leviathan, asking yourself, "Why did I write that comic strip and make fun of God".  If you want to end up in the briny, black deep-- and then HELL-- keep it up.

I will be praying for your soul.

Love,

Father John Jaworski, Rhode Island.
 

I work for a community needle-exchange program here in Western Massachusetts.

I am writing in response to your September 11, 2006 cartoon.

Why do you think it's funny to make light of drug addiction? Drugs ruin lives-- this is not funny.  How would you feel if you were addicted to heroin and could not get clean needles?  I'll tell you how you would feel: scared.  Scared as you injected yourself with a dirty needle because you needed to get high.  You would not be laughing and making fun of a needle exchange program, I'll tell you that.

I am asking you to remove this cartoon before it's too late.

Today, I overheard some clients of the needle-exchange program talking about tracking you down, restraining you, and injecting you with their dirty needles.  You don't want that, do you? You don't want to get AIDS or hepatitis do you?  Please, I am begging you. I can't control what these people will do to you.  If you don't remove the cartoon, then I guess you get what's coming to you.  By the looks of the other reader mails, all you do is piss people off, so maybe you want to get hurt or die.

Sincerely,

G. Lustoff, Massachusetts
 

The Jesus-fishhook cartoon published on September 4, 2006 is the best one yet!

LMJHAO (laughing my Jew-hating ass off).

M. Gibson

Malibu, California
 

For this long, I have remained silent.  In the name of Jesus Christ, I will be silent no more!!!!!!

After looking at your most recent comic strip, I can only conclude that you do not care for your eternal soul.  Your depiction of our Lord and Savior as one of your stupid worms is too much for my Christian heart to bear.  Do you not know that Jesus died on a CROSS for your sins? NOT A GIANT FISHHOOK!!!!!!! 

How dare you make fun of the suffering that MY LORD-- and yours, too, if your cold unbelieving heart would open to the truth-- went through up on that cross?  Jesus was poked with a spear, tormented, and menaced by crows.  CROWS!!!! Picking at his ears and eyes, black winged merchants of filth and death.  To know the horror of being picked at by CROWS, and too still make fun?  Your soul is doomed to the pits of fire in HELL.  Oh, how the DEVIL will have fun with you. Maybe He'll put you on a giant fishhook and invite Jesus down to HELL to laugh at you as flaming CROWS pick out YOUR eyes.  I can only hope.

This email is only the beginning. I will begin praying for your eternal soul at once.  Jesus will come to your heart, I just know it. You are his child (a naughty one), he loves you. Open your heart to him, PLEASE! He will come, I promise.  Shut down your blasphemous filth now, before it's too late.  I plead with you, what good are laughs if they damn your soul to HELL for ETERNITY?

I Love you, please accept Jesus.

Yours in Faith,

-M. Schwartz, Illinois
 

Der Swastika is backwards in your so-named "comic", Herr "Artist". This is an insult to the Vaterland!

- J. Schickelgruber, Muenchen
 

What the f*ck is your problem?

I liked your genital-warts cartoon, but making fun of the Holocaust  is not funny.

My grandfather, God rest his soul, was captured by Nazis and thrown in a concentration camp.  He lived there for a year and almost died.  Equating Holocaust survivors with sheep is an insult to all of The Survivors.  If Grandpa were alive to see your cartoon, his heart would break, and then he would punch you in your f*cking smarmy face.

Shame on you.

-R. Urbanski, Massachusetts
 

Where were you when I needed you??  If only I had that damn GW-1000 prior to meeting my last boyfriend. It would have saved me a lot of pain and irritation...if you know what I mean.

Well, gotta run.  Off to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription.

-Candi
 

You misspelled "telepathic".

- S. Johnson, London
 

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!?

I work with Dwarf children--yes, Dwarfs, the ones you bashed in your stupid July 24 comic strip--and must say that I am outraged.  Why would you think of putting a Dwarf child in a cats litter box and call it a Dwarf Sandbox? What kind of sick mind would think that?  I demand you apologize to the Dwarf community and retract your comic strip, or else.  I wont say what "or else" is going to be, put please be assured that I will bring down the full wrath of the Americans with Disabilities Act on you.

Just being small is no reason to make cruel, cruel fun.  Throughout history there have been many small, successful people.  Napoleon (ha, ha--not Napoleon Dynamite), the French King; Herve Villachaize (Tattoo); Verne Troyer (Mini Me); and Mickey from Seinfeld, who was underrated if you ask me; and many others that are too numerous to list here (ever seen the Wizard of Oz?).  When you show a Dwarf child in a litter box, eating feces and laughing, you are hurting all Little People, all the way back to Napoleon. So, please, stop it and retract it (the comic).

By the way, the rest of your comics--the one about the dead people, especially--are dumb.  You don't have a sense of humor, you have "dense of humor" (you can use that in a comic strip, if you want, a good joke).  It won't be long before your stupid site is shut down, I promise you that.

Sincerely,

-Judy Rusnak, Colorado
 

Its like The Far Side, South Park, Hustler, and Tarantino balled into one mass of twisted disgustingness.

Keep honesty alive, brother!

-Jarred Cole, New Jersey
 

-Bernard Green, Texas
 

I find you so called "humor" to be to in very poor taste, and your "art" to be pitiful.  I have just wasted two seconds of my precious time looking at your latest drivel. It just sickens me that any idiot today can just scribble on a napkin, scan it and post it on the web, calling it art. You think the fact that you colored in the crudely drawn lines in Photoshop (or more likely MS Paint) makes it look better? I have one suggestion for you, hire an artist, hire a writer, then have them fire you

-Jeff Franklin, SC
 

In 2003, my mother's corpse was violated by [name omitted], who worked at [name omitted], our local funeral home.  If you don't believe me, I urge you to call [name omitted], he is the Director of [name omitted] Funeral Home and can verify my story.

Necrophilia is a real crime with real victims (both dead and living). To this day, I cannot drive past a funeral home without thinking of my mother's lifeless body and what that sick a**hole did to her.  And you think it's funny?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

-Mary R., New York
 

-Mike A., New Hampshire
 

Second, you can't draw; any idiot can draw what you draw. Where did you learn to draw? I could do better with my eyes taped shut and no hands on my arms.

Third, your comics are stupid and do not make any sense, they are not even funny. You should give up and stop wasting your time.

-Jon G., Michigan
 

-Jennifer Z., Florida